"Today's word of the day is 'cunt-punt'."

"Mum look, it's 2013 Christian Dior"

"Looks like a vagina"

"I have fake boobs. I have a fake vagina."

"Go look outside."
"Mom, can't you just tell me what's outside? I'm doing things right now."
"Just go look outside."
"...The gazebo fell down."
"Isn't that much more exciting than me telling you the gazebo fell down? I provide you with these adventures so you don't try to seek them out in illegal narcotics." 

"Dr. Oz is talking about anal fissures, he had a lady pucker her lips to resemble a poop shute. It was educational."

"Just because I was at a different bar every night of the week when I was your age doesn't mean that you should too"

"When is Brad Pitt showing up? I haven't seen him naked yet."