"Thanks for the back massage, Mom. I'm off to see Raymond and William."

"You should get one of those boys to finish you off."

"That would make for quite the Devil's Threesome."

"Video or it didn't happen."

*shit my grandpa says*

"Wilma was walking by the waterwheel the other day and wanted you to fix her pump so it blows the water out better."

"So she wants to have a blow job?"

shawn ashmore: "...I wanna stretch and expose myself as an actor"

mom: "GOATSE!"

"How gay is he?"
mom: "He's a figure skater."

momtext:

You show that test who is on top!

momtext:

No lube either!