"Did you know turkeys can masturbate?"
"...how..."

"Gwaah gwaah gwaah GWAAAHHHHH!! gobble gobble gobble..."

"Doesn't she have the most adorable hair? I want to rip your scalp off."

"Hey Kiera, I know you're only four years old, but I want to rip your scalp off."

"NO SARAH I WILL BODILY REMOVE YOU FROM THAT COMPUTER"

"I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU FALL ASLEEP AND TAKE YOUR PICTURE."

"See, this is why I love you, 'cuz you're so adorable."

"Oh, this left dripples on my face."

"I hate you ALL."

"You know what, I could be smash-ola'd and this still wouldn't make sense."

"Suck my toe."

"Tell them about the many many times I made you pee your pants. It was awesome."

"Seriously, look at him. He's such a bastard. A furry little bastard."

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THERE'S A COOKIE COMING INTO MY HOUSE"

"Don't let me talk to any of them..."

"John Waters is on crack."

"No, boys are like, 'You have boobs! I love you!'

that's how boys are."

"Manfur is SEXY.

You're all WRONG."

"It's hot in here."

"No mom, it's actually a nice temperature."

"You guys are fucked up."

"I had six gay guys rolling around in the back of my van."

"He gave me this big wet gay kiss and I said, Clint stick to boys."

"The chimpanzee was literally mouth-raping the frog."

"I know this guy who, when he went on his honeymoon with his wife to Thailand they went to a tiger farm and one of the tigers in the cage ejaculated all over his face and in his mouth."

"Toucan? No, one-can."

"D-d-d-anilo... I think your yoghurt is really cool... NO WAIT I MEANT DANINO!"

"Whoring is fun and profitable."

"Did you finish your dumb-dumb bitch drinks?"

"You know, Claire doesn't eat the meat unless it's attached to the man."

"Mom do I cut the whole clove of garlic?"
"Just the head...

that's what she said."

"Look mom, a quiz on facebook to see how big my penis is!"

"How big is your penis, sweetheart?"

"10 inches!"

"Good girl! You're gonna hurt someone with that."

"Mom, I'm a duck!"

"STOP SMOKING POT."

"Put the Dragonball Z theme song on, this battle is epic."

"If it doesn't smell like pot it's not music"

"The disk cleaner?!?! GODDAMNIT THIS IS SUCH A GOOD DAY."

"Imagine the moustache ride on that one."

"I'm not saying fuck-all."

"That was so adorable! And I wasn't even drunk..."

"Isn't a queef when you fart and it comes out the front?"

"My brother knew this guy who would pull his scrotum down and staple it to his leg"

"Want some lube?"

"We're gonna brand condoms with Manwhore and Slut... Wouldn't you buy them then?...

Then there would be a brand for those intense whores and sluts.. Manwhore Extreme and Slut to the Max..."

"Look at that pantry... God it makes me wet"

-silence of blogpost update-

"Awwww shit."

"Thanks for the back massage, Mom. I'm off to see Raymond and William."

"You should get one of those boys to finish you off."

"That would make for quite the Devil's Threesome."

"Video or it didn't happen."

*shit my grandpa says*

"Wilma was walking by the waterwheel the other day and wanted you to fix her pump so it blows the water out better."

"So she wants to have a blow job?"

shawn ashmore: "...I wanna stretch and expose myself as an actor"

mom: "GOATSE!"

"How gay is he?"
mom: "He's a figure skater."

momtext:

You show that test who is on top!

momtext:

No lube either!

"I think the most fun we had naked when we were little people..."

"You need to comb your sex hair before you see me."

"Call her Meat Curtains."

"The best tramp stamp would be your boyfriend giving a high five. So when you're at it he can give himself a high five."*

"Donald Trump looks like a guido."

"Crunking is a legitimate form of artistic expression."

*Boyfriend agrees