"Go look outside."
"Mom, can't you just tell me what's outside? I'm doing things right now."
"Just go look outside."
"...The gazebo fell down."
"Isn't that much more exciting than me telling you the gazebo fell down? I provide you with these adventures so you don't try to seek them out in illegal narcotics." 

"Dr. Oz is talking about anal fissures, he had a lady pucker her lips to resemble a poop shute. It was educational."

"Just because I was at a different bar every night of the week when I was your age doesn't mean that you should too"

"When is Brad Pitt showing up? I haven't seen him naked yet."

"You have something on your chin and it's not cum."

"We appreciate a little tasty carpet every now and then."

"You can't teach big penis."

"I wonder if the plants like beer."

"Don't sit on the toilet seat at the Roxy, you'll get pregnant."

"It's not that I can't hear you, it's just that I'm ignoring you."

"It's not that you are not an exceptional dog-fucker..."

"One time, when I went to the Anza Club, I saw a guy dressed up like a giant penis."

"At some point in my life, I want to be a mob boss."