"My brother knew this guy who would pull his scrotum down and staple it to his leg"

"Want some lube?"

"We're gonna brand condoms with Manwhore and Slut... Wouldn't you buy them then?...

Then there would be a brand for those intense whores and sluts.. Manwhore Extreme and Slut to the Max..."

"Look at that pantry... God it makes me wet"

-silence of blogpost update-

"Awwww shit."

"Thanks for the back massage, Mom. I'm off to see Raymond and William."

"You should get one of those boys to finish you off."

"That would make for quite the Devil's Threesome."

"Video or it didn't happen."

*shit my grandpa says*

"Wilma was walking by the waterwheel the other day and wanted you to fix her pump so it blows the water out better."

"So she wants to have a blow job?"

shawn ashmore: "...I wanna stretch and expose myself as an actor"

mom: "GOATSE!"